Yes, I am a troubled child..troubled child full of mental disorders.. i self harm, i am bipolic and all stuffs, normal people term maniac..
but the greatest irony, i wasn’t born with these disorders, i acquired them.. acquired them from the society, friends, social sites, family and most importantly you love. i have trouble sharing my feelings with people around me, i talk extra, beat around the bush.. my cuts speak more than my lips do but i wasn’t always like this.
its easy to blame others for our own shortcomings, but what we forget is the depth to which we hurt someone else by blaming other people.. i accept i have done wrong, been bad, i admit all my faults as a doing of my own but among all these faults, my greatest mistake was trusting you…
change is necessary to evolve, but its just too hard for some people to understand the aftereffect of these random changes on the people around them…oh boy, these emotions can be so complex at times that even trying to type them down seems shitting around..just need some time to gather myself again and compose a new self and dignity…gotta take my time off.. 😦
Every step that I take,
eventually turns into a mistake
but deeper,still deeper into me
you’ll find a weak,frightened and fragile ‘she’,
whom people forgot, as days passed by,
all that remains is her silent cry
getting lost,dying every second,
tired to live, tired to pretend.
Lost and alone, she wishes to die
and now she takes laboured breathe and sigh.
Frightened of the whole world around her,
she wants to run away far, very far,
where her imperfections will not made be fun off,
no people to judge, no people to scoff.
She wants to live the way she wants
far from nevers, don’ts and can’ts.
She wants to live, wants to be free,
again happy, full of life and spree.
But in her heart, she knows, its all in vain.
She can never be whole again.
Buried she now, deeper into me,
struggling to rise, to get to the key.
She is a phoenix, she rises from her ashes;
habituated to dominations and smashes.
But oneday, I’m sure, she’ll find her way out,
look to the world behind, pose and poy.
Thats the time people will notice me,
the Bold, Beautiful and Winner she!!!
I think its okay to lose sometimes. But whats worst is that the world doesn’t remember your hard work you have put into it, or the desire with which you wanted to achieve it. Its tough when you see your dream crumbling before your eyes which you might have sewed with so much care and love and passion. it surprises me, how the world moves on leaving you alone to lament your loss but while you are successful or win in life how they cheer your name out. its tough how people change depending on the entry of new persons in their life. sometimes its feels so tough to hold on when you don’t see the least reason to hold on,when you have all the good reasons to let go, when your heart says there isn’t any hope and yet there is a small ray of light saying in your mind hold on for yourself.
I am a stupid girl who have always tried to justify myself on what others think,fine not others but some of the people that matter. but stupid that i am, somewhere between the hallucinated fake hope i forget that i don’t matter to those people. i know, people lose, what hurts more is when your closest people lose faith in you… I don’t know what to write more when I have an ocean of feelings storming my head and no proper word to describe it perfectly
And there, I see you standing so tall,holding her by the shoulder. My heart sighed at the scene, but alas, I couldn’t dare to look directly at you. I somehow managed to steal a glimpse of the so perfect creature God ever created.
I remember how last year, we stood together, gossiped,chatted away freely, how
you waited eagerly for my messages and now, like complete strangers, we don’t even bother to reply each other, rather you don’t.Sometimes, I wonder to myself, how can a wall of misunderstanding grow so deep and tall as to shake all of the foundation of a feeling so sublime as love itself that ever existed between us? What happened,where did we go wrong? Cause even today,I still hope, you would come smiling to me and wish me morning before the class starts.. No, I am not expecting from you. Human nature,they learn from mistakes, hence I don’t expect from you anything, anymore. But yet again, the canopy of human nature covers all the wisdom and logic of my brain and compels me to hope again, to hope that you will understand one day and may be return.
I know you are happier, with me no more in your life, but a feeling of fulfillment governs my heart and with it comes eternal void as if something close to me is missing. It may be the addiction, you bound me with. While you walk away, walking, and laughing with your friends, the thoughts that cloud my mine are only those that gifted by you and I can’t help but steal a look at you. I wanna read your mind someday but I am afraid at my heart cause I can assume what you might me thinking doesn’t even include me. I wish only you could know, how much I miss you… 😦
She sat by the window looking aimlessly outside. The pitter patter of the raindrops echoing outside her room as well as inside the closed walls of her heart. The raindrops dashed against the window pane and fell down to meet the earth to an oblivion. The blade in her right hand trembled a bit. Her inside felt as quite as death itself, but with a glen of memories running down. It rather felt like she suffered a brain death and a heart storm and in between all the turmoil, she saw him again, rather imagined.
The first time when they met, their first conversation, their first date, that first kiss and that first….She had told him, that she wasn’t ready yet, but did he ever listen to her? He went on giving him signs that they were most appropriate together, but she, so much in love turned a blind eye to all his mistakes and now lay the consequence of the mistake in her womb, growing each day.
She knew he got over her, finally gave in. “But was there any way to escape things now?”, she thought. This was the only thought she had in her mind past a few weeks, finally now she had her answer ‘NO’. There only way to get out of this shit was to embrace the silent yet comforting arms of death, or at least that is what she thought. “He doesn’t love me anymore”, she repeated in her mind again and again just to produce enough hatred inside her against the life she was gifted.
She was engulfed by the thought of grabbing a small, sharp blade and watch the blood run, red. The deeper the cut, she beloved, the deeper the peace she would get, a sanguinary relief from mortal pain.
It was her D-day and she knew she couldn’t back out. ‘What would the relatives say? The society, will the society accept her? What will others think about her, about her character?’, these questions clouded her mind. She knew she was defeated and stood no chance. Just as the sharp cold edge of the blade was about to kiss her veins of the left wrist, she heard some laughs coming from downstairs.
It was her parent’s voice. She looked up at the clock. Yes it was 10 pm and time for her mother’s favorite comedy soap. She stood shaken. Was she out of her mind? Had she committed something as stupid as a suicide, these laughs would have faded away and turned into gully of darkness. The guy she met yesterday, how can he become so more important than her parents who stayed beside her every moment, right since she was born. And the society? The society which never cared when she returned home after a bad exam or a defeated game or when she had a quarrel with her best friend. The society din’t stay up the nights, she fell sick, but her parents did.
Thus, she decided, enough of running away, enough of thinking about others. She decided to face the consequences of her doing, only this time with courage and confidence. A year later, holding her baby girl in her arms and her parents holding her shoulder, she again realized, after all her choice of living and giving it a last shot wasn’t that bad.. 🙂
And yet again when I need you,I find myself alone in the darkness. And yet again when I need you to hold my hand and guide me through this harsh world, I find myself miserably alone, alienated.
And now, even if we meet, we try to ignore each other. You ignore by choice and I, without any other option.
I often stare at you, blankly remembering the old good times we spent with each other, when I knew you were my support and my backbone. I know you have caught me seeing you many times……but all we end up is looking away.May be none of us wanna admit defeat. I fall to pieces seeing how you have moved on in your life. I hate it when I remember how stupid I was to believe when you said you are addicted to me..I overlooked may be intentionally, that addictions can be given up..I so should have waited to be your necessity.
Yes, I wanna trust you again, hold your hand, cling to your arm, do all that we discussed. The late night calls were my saviour, my strength to work harder the next day, to make you feel proud of me.
And here I am, not lamenting, trying to stay strong even when I am defeated, not by any enemy lines but by a person whom I someday had submitted completely. Now even when you pass by me, I have no right to look straight up at you, to call you or talk to you like others can and back then I believed it when you said, I had entire right on your time..I miss you, I miss those days and I know somethings in life are never meant to stay.
All this unsaid feelings get accumulated day by day in my sunken heart, hoping you will notice them one day again…I have to move on..We all have to,but may be I will meet you again in life. May be in some other form…..May be in a less awkward situation than this…..
The phases, days, hopes and dreams,
like thousand voices in my mind scream.
The silence that engulfs me at heart
silence and darkness never part.
And yet, the silent voice of yours so deeply in my head embedded thousands of unnoticed tears shedded.
Thousand voices like eagles, vultures, scavengers more not my flesh but veins of my heart tore.
The cuts on my body, grows deeper each day,
“only stupids trust”- they say.
I overlooked it was always a game for you,
and yet I struggled with chances so few.
I gave up waiting for you,gave up waiting for your call,
and now I see you across a crowded hall.
Yeah, she is beautiful, the girl, you sat next beside,
but it was me who stayed up at night and cried.
I wish to see you happy from far away,
cause there’s no chance, finally I gotta part my way…
Why does it always have to be blue on Mondays,
why not peaches, pinks or grays?
Why does yellow has to be bright and blacks dull?
Why can’t zero be hundred and one hundred make null?
Why does water wet and fire have to burn,
and why only on roads and not in life we have an U-turn?
Why does sugar taste sweet and lemon sour
and why doesn’t hundred seconds make an hour??????